I've delayed it. I've avoided it. But I can no longer hide it – I'm an Instagram Seaworthiness Celebrity. I think you should because hugs, laughs, Thai dinner, and ocean walks in the sun don't make me feel good – social media likes and private messages do, and they are my new currency of love.
And I'm gonna be insta-famous. Fancy joining me on my journey? Of course you do. Grab my arm. Here's how I'll get it done:
1. Put the goods on display
I would never get naked for money. I'll get naked for likes – it's much more respectful to show abs, thigh gaps, and a tantra-esque yoga pose with camel toes and bros. Insta-fitness is porn-with-stretchy pants.
2. Get tan
You could describe my winter colour as "Golf Ball White" or "London Banker". That won't cut it on Instagram, so I'll fake tan to look sweet - good enough for Trump, good enough for me (I'll spray my eyelids though).
3. Get fit
See my lats? See my abs? Check those arms. I'll live by these rules: Sleep. Supplement. Lift. And repeat. Cardio HIIT in the morning, CrossFit at night, and topless beach sessions on the weekend are the go from now on.
4. Get selfie smart
The right camera angle (down), lighting, filters, editing – it's all so important, and well, I just can't wait to take a course on this. I'll be happy as Larry when my selfie stick arrives in the post next week.
5. Get a contemplation pic
I'm a deep thinker, so I contemplate. A lot. All Instagram stars do, and this can be shown by my pic looking in the distance. These pics work best overlooking water, close to rocks, and near Bondi's blue skies.
6. Keep insta-focused
I don't lay on the couch. I don't watch Netflix. I've casino-style banned myself from the pizzeria and bottle'o. Vanity. Abs. I'm getting my fusion tribal-Chinese symbol-yogi sleeve tattoo designed as I type these very words. I'll be peak-photo-fit 24 / 7 / 365. Summer's coming so I need some clubbing insta-pics with hot women while I suck down a soda and fresh lime and kale.
7. Get a pic with smoky eyes
I don't care if you work in a café or a gym, on a construction site or in a bank – we can all look like models as I do. The world is watching. Us lads can squint with smoky eyes or perhaps Blue Steel. Ladies, don't ever let anybody tell you those pouty duck lips pics are getting old.
8. Get on the dating apps
I've got the body, so it's time to show it off to the single ladies on Tinder with a gym selfie. If the gym's too busy, I reckon a bathroom selfie at home is perfectly acceptable. Link your dating profile to your Instagram account. Dates and followers? Two birds. One stone.
9. Post every hour if possible
A green smoothie, workout pic, the organic markets, new running shoes, meme, protein shake, a muscle T-shirt, treadmill time, and handstand in Aisle Four – I'll post it all. Every single meal is an opportunity to post how healthy and fit my healthy life is.
10. Upgrade the toiletries
I will no longer use supermarket bought toiletries meant for the masses. I'll be taking pics of my hipster packaged conditioner-facial cleanser-moisturizer-toothpaste-exfoliator, and more. I need boutique-priced, natural products to show the interwebber I'm healthy in the gym, kitchen, and even my bathroom.
11. Rethink the holidays
Weekends to Melbourne and big trips to New York city have been shelved. From now on, I'll only go to Bali (maybe Thailand) to work on my health, and I'll have 500 Instagram photos of coconut oil, kale, and kombucha while I detox, jog on the beach, and practice yoga and meditate 10 hours per day.
12. Rethink the career
I'm scrapping the writing gig. I don't want to help people with lifestyle change and weight loss. I even cancelled my Life Coach Seminar in Wagga Wagga. The goal post has moved, and I want my business card to read: "Influencer". I'll influence so hard, they'll make a GIF out of me. Followers are coming, so DM me, as I'll need an Assistant to handle all my corporate endorsements.
One like equals one prayer
You really should . And tell your friends, family, and co-workers they can follow me too. As I write this, I have 15 followers. I pray to Hercules I wake with 50,000 – it will mean I'm healthy and loved.
Last week research came out that over 30 minutes per day on Instagram is causing a negative body image. Fine then – just spend 20 minutes per day perving on my account. I'll influence you. I promise.
I'm kidding. Or am I?
I can't objectively conclude if my words are self-deprecating, or I'm actually fishing for followers. What I do know is I prefer remote hikes over remote controls, less calories over liposuction, app free jogs, and beach walks listening to the ocean – not some stranger's playlist.
I want to motivate you with words, not influence you with filtered photos. I'm a fit-Luddite trying to survive in an unfit-tech world.
If I could influence just one thing? I wish Australia would take its health, fitness, and weight loss as seriously as its social media livelihood.
Passion for lifestyle change is the cornerstone for everything Michael Jarosky does. A Sydney-based personal trainer, he cajoled thousands of 51698009 readers to undertake his "Cut The BS" diet, and champions a charity weight-loss event, Droptober.