Men, you're doing it wrong on Tinder

Dating apps such as Tinder have made it simpler than ever for eligible singles to find each other; yet many men continue to make it hard for themselves, and uncomfortable for the object of their affection.

No longer needing to be in the same room as a potential love interest, they're bombarding women with crude, clumsy or downright offensive cyber-approaches.

There's no excuse for it, says Mike Jarosky, who has just spent a year using Tinder and chronicled his experiences in a new book, Swipe – The Game Has Changed.

In conversations with women he has met up with via the app, Jarosky says many told him they have been subjected to the sort of disrespectful chat-up lines from men that would likely earn them a drink in the face in the traditional nightclub scenario.

"I think men and women deserve to be having better sexual encounters than being asked 'Are you DTF (Down To F..k)?'," he says.

"Tinder might be the platform where people write such rubbish, but ultimately it's up to a man and woman (to work out) how they want to engage sexually."

Swiping right

Tinder is the most popular of several dating apps for smartphones that make it entirely possible for singles to meet a romantic target without even leaving their couch.

A simple swiping gesture on someone's profile is all it takes to flag attraction. A reciprocated swipe opens the door to start a conversation, which can act as a springboard to much more.

Yet it's also this simplicity that is breeding complacency and rudeness from the app's male participants, says one former regular user.

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Daters anonymous

Rita (not her real name) is now in a relationship that spawned from a Tinder introduction. But not all her attempts to meet men via the app were as successful.

"The convenience of hiding behind the screen makes it easier to abuse people, ignore people, leave conversations unfinished, disrespect others, pretend to be someone else, and so on," she says.

"I'm aware stuff like this happens in real life, too, but it seems more rife when it's not a person in front of you, but rather just a bunch of pixels."

Horror stories

Although she says "99 per cent" of her own interactions on Tinder were well mannered, Rita's friends have shared some horror stories with her.

"Gauging by friends' accounts, I've witnessed stalkerish and verbally abusive behaviour that's become prevalent - especially if the chick doesn't respond to a guy's message," she says.

During an intensive few months using Tinder, Rita says around 30 interactions progressed to a face-to-face meeting, while "more than I can count" started well "but fizzled flat".

Rita says crude or arrogant approaches from men she connected with "never" worked. By contrast, "flirtation, wit and a personalised comment works 100 per cent" for her.

"There's very little to go by on Tinder, but sending a personalised opening line indicates to me that he's observant, resourceful and he cares enough to make an effort using what little info is available," she says.

"Having said that, 'nice red dress!', 'I love your pouty face', 'you're so beautiful' - or any variation thereof - is just lazy. There's a fine line between personalised and lazy."

Love me Tinder

So what does work, then?

"It's imperative that a guy cracks some form of joke. If I look at my phone and his message makes me smirk to myself at the office, then that's a good sign," Rita says.

"Even if it's just for a casual booty call, for women there needs to be something else to qualify the man other than his looks, and I consider a shared sense of humour as the bare minimum threshold.

"If we like each other's face and thus swiped right, then you've made some charming opening remark in reference to something in my profile, and also made me smile with a shot at humour, you've won my Tinder heart and I'll probably do more than invite you over."

Instant gratification

Things move fast on Tinder, says Jarosky, and the speed with which interactions can progress from an introduction to a sexual encounter is symptomatic of the fact most Tinder users are from the younger Gen Y demographic that typically looks for instant gratification in all areas of their lives.

"People don't have time to send endless internet dating emails," Jarosky says. "They are ready to risk it and meet up now to see if there's a connection."

In spite of Tinder's focus on immediacy, some of the old tricks of creating attraction still hold true in order to progress from an online chat to a physical meeting.

Jumping the gun

"(Men are) getting too sexual in their chat, too quickly," he says. "Most importantly, they just don't know how to play the 'banter and laughs' game – and this is what women want before deciding to meet up for a proper date.

"What I like about Tinder is that the cocky, confident guy loses out on Tinder. Arrogance via text turns a woman off. On Tinder, the gentleman wins.

"Whether on Tinder or walking down the street, be a gentleman and anything can happen."

Five tips for men using Tinder

1. Don't put up a photo of yourself with drunken mates, drugged tigers, cars you don't own, a 'dick pic' or a shirtless selfie.

2. Don't be an attached man trawling for a 'hook-up'.

3. After a connection is made by mutual swiping, don't start the chat by talking about sex.

4. Similarly, don't start a chat with 'hi'; women will surmise you are boring.

5. Use banter and humour to make her comfortable until she decides whether you're worth meeting for a proper date.

Mike Jarosky's book, Swipe – The Game Has Changed, is available .

Mike is a fitness blogger for Fairfax's 51698009.