I am awesome. You want to be like me, right?
As a toddler, I did pull-ups to get into my high chair. By the time I was 10, I was doing the Maltese Cross on the Olympic rings with one hand, while downing 30 grams of protein with the other. At that age, it was already clear I would be exceptionally awesome.
I just ate a 78-egg omelette I cooked in a paella pan I stole from a Stereosonic food tent.
You wish you could be like me.
You've probably seen me in the city. I hang, two arms extended, perpendicular from city trees. People gather around, point, and say, 'Wow, that guy is awesome'. You carry a duffle bag to the gym? I carry 56kg kettlebells in the pockets of my neon Zubaz.
I walk by the North Bondi grassy hill with my , surgically implanted girlfriend, and out of the corner of my Oakleys I watch people whisper to each other, "he must be awesome in bed".
Yes, it's true - they're fake, and they are Oakleys.
I know it's going to be an awesome week when I pick up my seven favourite festival singlets from the dry cleaner, because I look awesome in them.
I would never, ever eat sugar, because it takes the awesomeness out of my body. Last night, came over, and it took her four hours to pick the fructose, glucose and sucrose out of my grapes. She's cute. It was awesome.
To that eats 50 bananas in a day to stay slim? I just ate a 78-egg omelette I cooked in a paella pan I stole from a Stereosonic food tent. I solely consumed omelettes, protein shakes and steak during the entire Gillard administration. Banana girl? Try keeping up with Mr Awesome. Snap.
On Tuesdays I travel to work barefoot on all fours like a gorilla, 'cause I heard moving all primal is cool and awesome.
It's awesome eating paleo 100 per cent of the time. is my personal chef, and he makes awesome bacon. But Pete – call me. Last night's steak was rare. You know I prefer it blue, mate.
When Pete's busy with My Kitchen Rules, I cook brown rice and chicken breast at least 10 times per week. It tastes awesome.
Splurging is awesome. One square of 98 per cent cocoa dark chocolate per month is an awesome treat, even if it gives me bitter-beer-face for a week.
When you hear that loud protein shake rattler going … you know I just finished my awesome workout. Getting 500 grams of protein per day is a requirement.
My workout photos on my 'Insty' account are awesome. Porn stars in LA follow me, too. My arms, abs, quads, glutes, and traps? Awesome. When I get my Caribbean Gold spray and teeth whitening session on at the mall, a volcanic explosion of body-awesomeness ensues.
Being awesome sounds … awesome, doesn't it?
OK, forget about that guy, it's the real Mike Jarosky here.
My advice? Don't be awesome. Live in a happy, healthy zone – one in which you're not perfect (or awesome), but you are healthy. You're smiling. And you're YOU.
I tell my clients this: Bugger Hollywood's ideal of perfection. Perfection is boring, and the pursuit of body perfection so stressful that it outweighs having abs of steel, bulging 'guns' and an awesome arse.
Be healthy. Be happy. Love your body.
is an organisation that represents all people affected by eating disorders and negative body image. Children rate body image as a top three concern in their lives, and while Butterfly gives '', all of these apply to boys and us adults all over Australia that beat ourselves up over imperfections.
- Don't compare the way you look to anybody else.
- Treat your body well. Exercise, eat nutritious foods, and ignore dangerous diets.
- Don't try to be someone else. You are beautiful the way you are.
- Focus on the parts of yourself you like. Enhance them with clothes that bring out your personal style and confidence.
- Remember, people on TV and in magazines don't really look like that.
- Be kind to yourself … and your friends.
- You are so much more than the way you look.
Being awesome isn't about having a six-pack – it's simply being a happy and healthy you, mentally and physically.
A girl I met recently told me about two of her friends that are on the . I had to inform her that I was the one who wrote that column and created that "diet".
NOBODY was supposed to try it. The fact that people did scares me, and it tells me too many people are trying too hard to be "awesome".
Forget awesomeness, and listen instead to writer and psychotherapist Amy Bloom: "You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful."
How far are you prepared to go to look good? Do you ever do things you know aren't good for you to achieve 'awesomeness'?